I believe in God
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I'm trying to learn to be a better freak.

17th September 2010

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gaygerms facts: I have some shit wrong with me but I try not to let it damage my calm. I believe in communication. I love antique stores and chain-link fences. I’m so glad I live in a time where I can watch TV on the Internet. hopefully this summer I will get to live in a Judeo-Christian, Autistic, heteroaffectionate, nearsighted, Mad Men-watching, stimming, disability rights, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese household. I am a student. I try to just do the work I have to do. Right now I get to go to the segregated special ed school and volunteer with teenagers/young adults who have DDs. If all goes according to plan I’d like to just stay in my town for a year after I graduate and work in one of those classrooms. I’m also trying to figure out something helpful that I’d be able to do at the sheltered workshop/day center this year, like working with people on reading or using computers. Tomorrow I’m going to be the first person at the library to get a study carrel because if I don’t get the one I want I will flip a shit. I love God, clearly. I also love last night, when my roommate was basically trying to hide behind his girlfriend while watching the Nosferatu episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

gaygerms facts:

I have some shit wrong with me but I try not to let it damage my calm. I believe in communication. I love antique stores and chain-link fences. I’m so glad I live in a time where I can watch TV on the Internet.

hopefully this summer I will get to live in a Judeo-Christian, Autistic, heteroaffectionate, nearsighted, Mad Men-watching, stimming, disability rights, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese household.

I am a student. I try to just do the work I have to do.

Right now I get to go to the segregated special ed school and volunteer with teenagers/young adults who have DDs. If all goes according to plan I’d like to just stay in my town for a year after I graduate and work in one of those classrooms.

I’m also trying to figure out something helpful that I’d be able to do at the sheltered workshop/day center this year, like working with people on reading or using computers.

Tomorrow I’m going to be the first person at the library to get a study carrel because if I don’t get the one I want I will flip a shit.

I love God, clearly. I also love last night, when my roommate was basically trying to hide behind his girlfriend while watching the Nosferatu episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

9th June 2010

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so for me the whole point of making a tumblr was to take Internet Disease pictures of myself but sadly my tumblr never amounted to even that, and just became a secret blog where I would complain to myself about things. I don’t really know why I’m posting here since no one reads it. feeling mildly depressed? probably as a result of meeting my friend who was an Internet friend, for the first time. I mean, nothing I was afraid of happened. We are really good friends on the Internet and on the phone, so unsurprisingly we also are good friends in real life. But we only got a little time together and I guess I’m sad because now my insecurities about us possibly not getting along in real life are assuaged, and now I wish we could hang out in real life a lot, but I won’t be able to see him for a long time. about to go work at a summer camp for kids and adults with disabilities. Basically stuff is bad because my mom is making a huge deal about how I haven’t finished packing/organizing stuff (I’m leaving on Monday, it’s Wednesday now). This is stressing me out and making me feel really incompetent. I do have executive dysfunction problems, certainly, but I guess something frustrating about my mom is that she makes me feel incredibly guilty, and incredibly impaired, just by nagging me a lot and making me feel as self-conscious as possible. I’m having a huge amount of trouble both packing/organizing, and just doing anything I would actually want to do. For example writing this, why the hell would I want to write this, there are two hundred million things I’d rather do—but I’m too guilty about not packing. Also, this whole same thing was going on before I went to the UK and because that was such a horrible experience, I’m just feeling depressed/anxious I guess that I’m gearing up for something similar. Actually, working with adults who have ID is a really fantastic thing because it’s almost the only situation where I can tell myself for sure that I will feel better in a certain amount of time. I know for a fact that in a week and a half, when my campers come, I will be doing a good job and I’ll be really happy and engaged. One of the only other things I feel that way about—I mean, safe—is my friend who I met last week. I can usually predict what he’s going to say and how he’s going to react to things. I mean, just small things. Most people when you’re on the phone and they say “Hey yourname?” they tend to say something depressing or upsetting or say they have to go, but this person without fail always says “Hey yourname?” and then says something nice. There are some other people and things I find a bit easier to predict than most people and things, but my one friend is the best, to an almost miraculous degree.

so for me the whole point of making a tumblr was to take Internet Disease pictures of myself but sadly my tumblr never amounted to even that, and just became a secret blog where I would complain to myself about things.

I don’t really know why I’m posting here since no one reads it. feeling mildly depressed? probably as a result of meeting my friend who was an Internet friend, for the first time. I mean, nothing I was afraid of happened. We are really good friends on the Internet and on the phone, so unsurprisingly we also are good friends in real life. But we only got a little time together and I guess I’m sad because now my insecurities about us possibly not getting along in real life are assuaged, and now I wish we could hang out in real life a lot, but I won’t be able to see him for a long time.

about to go work at a summer camp for kids and adults with disabilities. Basically stuff is bad because my mom is making a huge deal about how I haven’t finished packing/organizing stuff (I’m leaving on Monday, it’s Wednesday now). This is stressing me out and making me feel really incompetent. I do have executive dysfunction problems, certainly, but I guess something frustrating about my mom is that she makes me feel incredibly guilty, and incredibly impaired, just by nagging me a lot and making me feel as self-conscious as possible. I’m having a huge amount of trouble both packing/organizing, and just doing anything I would actually want to do. For example writing this, why the hell would I want to write this, there are two hundred million things I’d rather do—but I’m too guilty about not packing.

Also, this whole same thing was going on before I went to the UK and because that was such a horrible experience, I’m just feeling depressed/anxious I guess that I’m gearing up for something similar. Actually, working with adults who have ID is a really fantastic thing because it’s almost the only situation where I can tell myself for sure that I will feel better in a certain amount of time. I know for a fact that in a week and a half, when my campers come, I will be doing a good job and I’ll be really happy and engaged.

One of the only other things I feel that way about—I mean, safe—is my friend who I met last week. I can usually predict what he’s going to say and how he’s going to react to things. I mean, just small things. Most people when you’re on the phone and they say “Hey yourname?” they tend to say something depressing or upsetting or say they have to go, but this person without fail always says “Hey yourname?” and then says something nice.

There are some other people and things I find a bit easier to predict than most people and things, but my one friend is the best, to an almost miraculous degree.

10th May 2010

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life plans

1. be a good person

2. write really good shit

3. work on communication with nonverbal people

6th May 2010

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blog for psych

mostly: FINISH THE STORY (like all day and all night)

volunteer forms

figure out when I’m going home (by Tuesday)

2nd May 2010

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I’m glad I’m Christian and not Jewish because Judaism doesn’t have room for what a major shit I am. Unfortunately everyone whose approval I’ve lately been scrounging for (see previous post) is Jewish so then I seriously get to thinking that Christianity isn’t real or something. I really bore the hell out of myself.

I love God.

I believe certain things about God. Specifically: I am NOT good enough. Something needs to take me over. Terribly. Always.

It’s not about sitting around and whining about how I’m not good enough. I think of it as being a lot like disability. My sin is not a tragedy. It’s also not nothing. Something has to be done about it. God is my assistive technology.

2nd May 2010

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“I need Christ, not something that resembles Him.”-CSL

I feel like LF is always mad at me. I know I deserve it in this case but I’d just never be mad at him. I feel like I can’t have sincere feelings about people because I’m too afraid of losing people or having them be mad at me.

LF was especially mad because I didn’t hurt him by mistake, I decided that I needed to do this particular thing even though I knew it would have a side effect of hurting him. That makes me mad because I feel like he wants me to be this stupid weak person who’s always fucking up and being at his mercy and he’s mad that I actually thought about something and made a decision that he didn’t like.

I scratched myself. Because of the thing I happened to have within reach, I didn’t draw blood—which is funny, and lucky, because it makes everything less of a big deal. It wasn’t sharp enough. I tried really hard, I had these dents in my arm. This morning they’re just barely noticeable pink lines. It just looks like I leaned on something too hard.

I think I’m all fucked up religiously and I try to use other people to fill in my poor relationship with God.

I went to a really nice psychiatrist when I was home for break and I kept asking him whether he actually thought I had ASD and whether he was an atheist. He said that he does and isn’t, but that he felt terrible because he thought that if he thought I didn’t have ASD, or if he didn’t believe in God, then I would think that was incredibly important and just take it as truth. Which is kind of true. I have no compass of my own.

I have to go to mass. The fact that I don’t go to church just isn’t acceptable. Before mass I have homework to do: comment on JT and NR’s stories and write them letters. Do English reading. Start crwr reading and write reading responses for every single thing. The reading responses thing just makes me want to die.

I can’t go to mass. Thinking about it just makes me upset. I hate looking at the priest. I hate pretending to know how to say all the Catholic things. I like mass, but I’m not Catholic and I just get jealous of everyone who knows how to say everything.

The psychiatrist said, “It sounded like you had a real religious experience and then you started trying to use big words about it and saying it wasn’t real.” He said, “I had a religious experience once. It was—a sense of clicking in to something bigger. Something that isn’t you. I think it’s something that you can’t make yourself have on purpose.”

24th April 2010

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Difficult Cider

1. difficult cider

2. you took the words

3. villain

4. lying is easy, kissing is hard

5. it isn’t me

6. when I collapse

3rd April 2010

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how to be human 1. actually answer youtube messages from asd people and people with asd kids and stuff. 2. actually, the main thing is, don’t do this weird inertia friendship thing where you become incredibly attached to one person. because—it’s not even just because you did something shitty and this person’s mad at you now and will be for a while, it’s just stupid behavior even when they’re not mad. because when you think about it, it’s like, look, I actually have several friends. and I have some nice people on the Internet who I could have a meaningful exchange with if I wanted. so instead of just sitting around waiting for this person not to be mad and feeling like a giant piece of misery, maybe I could engage myself with some of those other people. 3. do music or some sort of work instead of feeling bad. 4. despite doing 1-3, still feel bad.

how to be human

1. actually answer youtube messages from asd people and people with asd kids and stuff.

2. actually, the main thing is, don’t do this weird inertia friendship thing where you become incredibly attached to one person. because—it’s not even just because you did something shitty and this person’s mad at you now and will be for a while, it’s just stupid behavior even when they’re not mad. because when you think about it, it’s like, look, I actually have several friends. and I have some nice people on the Internet who I could have a meaningful exchange with if I wanted. so instead of just sitting around waiting for this person not to be mad and feeling like a giant piece of misery, maybe I could engage myself with some of those other people.

3. do music or some sort of work instead of feeling bad.

4. despite doing 1-3, still feel bad.

30th March 2010

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Liam: i told my parents how we buried our food from mandarin

Liam:  and got it the next day

i think they thought it was really smart

they were probably like to themselves, “thats our son!”

28th March 2010

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I wish my whole brain would always and completely change that’s not a tall order at all

I wish my whole brain would always and completely change

that’s not a tall order at all